Eli's Cartoon Caption Contest No. 120

Contest No. 120 starts right now.

Briefly, here are the details: I'll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. Simply (1) click on "Add New Comment". Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type in your name and your caption in the spaces provided. Then (3) click "Save".

Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission. Also, no captions at all will be posted for the first few days of each contest.  This is to give everybody a chance to submit their spontaneous, gut-instinct caption without fear of discovering that it was ripped off by somebody else's similar spontaneous caption. This is an equal opportunity contest!

There is no limit on the number of captions you can enter for each drawing. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also print my original caption.

The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions is midnight Tuesday, July 4, 2017.

I will be the sole judge. The winning caption will be the one I judge to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption). Additional rules and regulations, for those of you who need such things, can be found here.

Below is the drawing that needs your funny captions.


The other inmates loved my tattoos. They showed me their homemade knives, and said they would graciously add more tattoos to my body collection.

Just like me, everyone in this prison is innocent. The only difference is my mother-in-law hired my attorney, and he was compelled to plead me guilty in court.

My ex-boss sent me an ISIS flag for the Fourth of July. He instructed me to wave it to the prison crowd for Independence Day and scream, "Allahu Akbar!"

"Let's be adventurous and do something different today...you sit and I lie."

"We've both said everything at least a thousand times, so how about if we just shut up for the next five years!"

"OK, now I'll play the client and you be the therapist."

"Funny how times flies when you're having a good time."

"I'm breaking out tonight...you got any Clearasil?"

"Well that's refreshing...You're the first guy I met in here who's guilty!"

1. "Well at least they gave us a room with a view."

2. "Did you have anything to do with that mint I found on my pillow last night?"

3."What I wouldn't give for some curtains on our window!"

4. "Just to show you how much I like you, you can have the peas on my last meal tomorrow."

5. "There's always something to be grateful for...like the fact that neither one of us plays the accordion."

"Well, you don't look like a serial killer...but then, I don't look like a chiropodist."

I have only two insignificant medical problems. One is sleep walking, and the other is chronic flatulence.

My wife couldn't post the $2000 bail money, because she said she needed a spa treatment and a make-over retreat.

By watching the inmates in this prison, I can appreciate the phrase, "The dog days of summer."

When I am released from prison, Maury Povich invited me on his show to discuss, "Whose the father of the babies?"

My victim wrote me to "wake-up and smell the roses." But, there are no flower gardens on these premises.

When I consider what we eat in prison to what those poor people of Ethiopia eat, then I realize what lucky people they are.

I voted for President Trump to "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN." He notified me that when I am released from jail, that I will receive from him a special visa to visit North Korea.

My friends say that I am the "butt" of all their prison jokes. Personally, I never knew I had such a big butt.

I asked the jail guard for some nude magazines. He placed a subscription order for me to the World Wildlife Association.

Part of me wants to be on the outside, and a part of me wants to stay where I am. Well, it looks as though the part of me who wants to be on the inside has won.

No one knows the pain I've seen in my lifetime. It happened to be the flashing lights of a police cruiser.

My estranged wife used to call me a lousy son of a bitch. I never knew why she used the word "lousy."

Since we live and work together here in prison, can I use you for a job reference once I leave here?

Judge Judy once said, "Don't piss on my leg and call it rain." I would never call it rain. After all, It favors more like lemon juice, and that's the correct term.

Do you have any hobbies beside robbing banks? So, you like to watch gangster movies as a hobby. What a surprise!

Lawyers are known as "sharks," because of their sometime shady practices with sharp biting results. Well, my lawyer was immature with no shark teeth, so all he could do was smile while I suffered with him.

Hey, don't have to work, pay bills, free food, free medical, free everything...I'M STAYING!!!!'

"Well,Marvin,we`ve got plenty of time now to write lots of captions to those Eli Stein Cartoons." "We sure have,Cary."

After discussing my vaccine record with the prison doctor, he decided that I needed a set of rabies vaccines. After all, foaming at the mouth is scary, since you do not drink beer in prison.

Do you know that world hostilities are escalating. Also, the stock market crashed, and the value of the dollar is the worst in decades. The economy has forced a freeze on job hiring with no salary increases. You don't want to learn the "bad" news!

1st inmate: One thing I miss is a big fat raw steak.
2nd inmate: Oh, do love to eat steaks often?
1st inmate: No, the steak is for my black eye that another
inmate gave me on the parade grounds.

I missed my son's birthday this month. He said not to worry, since he borrowed my hidden gun at home to persuade a toy store to give him some gifts in my name.

I want to practice ventriloquism with my spare time. Since your mouth moves and you don't have much to say, would you volunteer to be my dummy?

Last week the toilet backed-up. The jail attendant told me to rotate my hand in the toilet until it is unstopped. I hollowed back, "I'm keeping it in for now!" But, I wasn't referring to my hand.

I talked to my jail house dietician to make sure I am getting the "biggest bang for the buck." I said I needed to avoid greasy food, spicy food, foreign food, and tasteless food. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted gun powder with my venison.

My nickname is "Scratch." My unfortunate experience in Malaysia caused me to contract this horrible incurable disease. By the way, you have that same reddish-brown spot on your arm.

Do you believe in space aliens? You don't? We need to make contact with them, so that we can get beamed out of here.

In this facility everybody is treated the same without discrimination. Therefore, everybody is equally miserable!

All holidays are celebrated with spiritual prayers. As if, the other mundane days don't matter.

1st inmate: Billy Bob, do you rinse your mouth at night?
2nd inmate: Noooooah, but I used to chew tobacco and spit.

Mistakenly, I heard morse code last night. Come to find out, even the damn rats were trying to break-out of this prison!

So, I reported to the jail guard that they had a rat problem in this facility. He responded that, "Every convict in this building will 'rat' for the right price."

1st inmate: What did you major in college?
2nd inmate: Finances and accounting.
1st inmate: You must be a smart guy.
2nd inmate: Not really, I was busted for bank fraud.

They have a "Lost and Found" department in this building. But, the only things lost and found are generally false teeth and used condoms.

It is better to "have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." Well, it worked for my high maintenance attorney handling my divorce case.

Well, today should be a better day than yesterday. That's because, my blood wounds have clotted today.

1st inmate: What animal would you choose, if you could be
2nd inmate: A blood sucking "parasite" like my attorney.
1st inmate: Is he really a vampire?

1st inmate: Once I was asked by a politician for my support.
I replied, "What laws did you break?"
2nd inmate: Did you recommend a good "country club" prison?

"CONSTIPATION!" What all inmates dream to achieve.


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