Contest No. 217 starts right now.
Here are the details: I’ll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. To enter, simply (1) click on “See Comments and Add Your Own”. Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type your name and your caption in the spaces provided. Then (3) click “Save”. There is no charge to submit captions, and the only prize is the honor of being one of the funniest people around.
Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission. However, no captions at all will be posted for the first few days of each contest. This will give everybody a chance to submit their spontaneous, gut-instinct caption without fear of discovering that it was ripped off by somebody else’s similar spontaneous, gut-instinct caption. Every posted caption has a notation as to the date and time it was received. This is an equal opportunity contest!
There is no limit on the number of captions you may enter for each drawing, but I will only post and consider the first 15 captions from any contestant. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also reveal my original caption. I am the sole judge and the winning caption will be the one I deem to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption).
The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions is midnight Wednesday, September 25, 2024.
Below is the drawing that needs your funny captions. This is another very old drawing of mine, probably going back more than 60 years. One way you can tell its age is by noticing that I finished it off mostly by using a brush, instead of a pen. I hope you can improve on my old original caption, which you will be able to see in a week’s time. Good luck, Captioneers!
52 Comments
I`m sorry, madam, you`ve misread our terms — it`s guaranteed for 99 days, not years.
“Putting it where the sun doesn’t shine seems counter-productive.”
“I’m sure this worked in 1942 when you first purchased it.”
“Frankly, I see two mugs that are unwanted.”
“The use of hot water in this coffee/tea pot voids the warranty!”
“That’s not a dash, it’s a minus sign. You may return this item, but we have to subtract your refund.”
“That’s an old sign. You’ll have to send this back through the mail, and I’ll tell you know when it arrives.”
“We don’t allow returns for a tempest in a teapot.”
“I’m afraid the window for returning this item has closed. But the back door remains open for your exit.”
“That’s an old sign. You’ll have to send this back through the mail, and I’ll let you know when it arrives.”
“Sorry, but we just don’t feel like helping.”
“When the manufacturer says you can run over this coffee pot with a Mack Truck they don’t expect you to actually run it over with a Mack Truck.”
“You’re here so often you could lead a herd of white elephants.”
This is an emulator, ma’am. Have you tried being nice?
“You got some ‘splainin’ to do.”
“Would you two like to go outside to get your ‘absolutely true story’ straight before we start again?”
“My wife ran off with the Pest Control man . . . my son was just arrested for DUI . . . I have foot fungus . . . the bank repossessed my car . . . and now you show up here to complain about a stinking $12 Coffee Pot?”
“I guess the saying ‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t count anymore.”
“That sign isn’t big enough for our third ‘R’: Restocking fee.”
“You should get your refund in about three days. Or whenever the cows come home.”
I’m sorry, but if you break it, you must take it.
“Certainly, Mrs. Allbee, you may return our signature carafe, however you purchased it on Crazy Tuesday using mostly non-refundable ‘Waxman’s Wad’ rewards, and the one time use for Mr. Allbee’s remains negates any other warrantees. So, after the re-stocking fee, you owe us $2.98!”
“But I bought this for your birthday, Lois.”
“I suggest you keep this relic, Mrs. Higginbottom. Future generations of boomers, Gen-Jonesers, Gen-X, Millennials, Gen-Z and Gen Alpha will all get a laugh out of finding out what you went through to make coffee.”
“Gift it to your mother in law.”
“Shall we just say the receipt blew away while your husband was practice shooting the Coffee Pot with bird-shot?”
“So your husband wants you to return the coffee pot because every time he complains about your cooking it mysteriously bangs him on the back of his head?”
“Some men never even remember their wife’s birthday — sweetheart.”
“Enjoy the moment because someday all returns will be by mail and you won’t be able to give anyone the stink eye.”
“When your husband wished you ‘many happy returns’, I don’t think he meant this.”
“Again? It might be simpler to just return your husband.”
“I heard that drinking beer from a frosted stein may prevent flu, could regrow hair, and possibly cures heart disease. It may just be more fake news but why should your husband be denied the chance?”
“Preferring Starbucks doesn’t qualify for a refund.”
Drips, you say? No box, no return. Hope you enjoy spots of tea.
“Not your cup of tea? Try coffee.”
“May I ask why it’s filled with ashes, madam?”
“Next time you may want to remove ‘Goodwill $2.98’ from the item before you try for a refund ladies.”
“Can’t take back the pot but you should consider returning those hats.”
“Sorry, madam, buyers remorse is more of a psychological problem than a reason for a return.”
“I’ll return your money and you can keep it. There’s no way we could ever sell it a second time.”
“If it isn’t our returning champ.”
“Please let me know if the next one you purchase is any better.”
“Might I suggest a re-gifting to the trash bin.”
“Madam, might I suggest a gift card instead?”
“The manager says we must go by the fine print in our return policy . . . so your refund, after restocking fees, coincidently works out to be about 50% of ‘YOUR 2-CENTS WORTH’ that you’ve been giving me.”
“I’m not allowed to do a cash refund, but in order to rectify the situation, I will issue a $20 store credit to be used toward the purchase of your favorite laxative at our in store pharmacy.”
“In order to rectify the situation, I am prepared to offer you a coupon good for three bottles of our top selling store brand laxative.”
“Yesterday you returned a hammer because it didn’t fix your coffee pot. Today you return a coffee pot. To ensure your future satisfaction, we here at Macy’s recommend you shop at Gimbels.”
I`m afraid, madam, no amount of rubbing will help — the Genie has retired.
I don’t know whether to throw it away or give it back to you.
You have two choices,
I give this back to you or you throw it away.
“Have you tried selling this to your friend?”