Eli’s Cartoon Caption Contest No. 158

Contest No. 158 starts right now.

Briefly, here are the details: I’ll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. Simply (1) click on “Add New Comment”. Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type in your name and your caption in the spaces provided. You will also be asked to verify that you are a human being and not a robot. Please follow the instructions in the “Captcha” box. Then (3) click “Save”.

Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission. Also, no captions at all will be posted for the first few days of each contest. This is to give everybody a chance to submit their spontaneous, gut-instinct caption without fear of discovering that it was ripped off by somebody else’s similar spontaneous, gut-instinct caption. This is an equal opportunity contest!

There is no limit on the number of captions you may enter for each drawing, but I will only post and consider the first 15 captions from any contestant. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also print my original caption.

The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions is midnight Tuesday, March 31, 2020.   

I will be the sole judge. The winning caption will be the one I judge to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption). Additional rules and regulations, for those of you who need such things, can be found here.

Below is the drawing that needs your funny captions.


  1. “Mr. Johnson, the Code doesn
    “Mr. Johnson, the Code doesn’t care if Mitzi treats the five cats like children — you don’t get the exemptions!”

  2. “‘Tax pain’ does not qualify
    “‘Tax pain’ does not qualify for an acceptable, Medical
    Disability deduction!”

  3. “I don’t care how dirty your
    “I don’t care how dirty your house is, Mr. Anderson, or how
    bad your children are . . . claiming twenty different people
    under housekeeping/child-care . . . is raising Red Flags!”

  4. “The song was uplifting, Mr.
    “The song was uplifting, Mr. Marshall, however,
    you have been called here for an ‘audit’, NOT ‘an audition!”

  5. “The claims that require
    “The claims that require clarification . . .
    are: these fifty ‘Business’ Lunches, at Hooters!”

  6. “Seriously, Mr. Horton… You
    “Seriously, Mr. Horton . . . you’re blaming your secretary
    for ‘not filing’ for you?”

  7. “Before we begin, and I find
    “Before we begin, and I find you guilty, I’m required to ask, how will you be pleading?”

  8. “I must warn you, I tend to
    “I must warn you, I tend to say, ‘that’s not allowed either’ a lot!”

  9. “This is not personal to me!
    “This is not personal to me! But it will be very personal for you, so buckle up, Sparky!”

  10. “Actually it’s not’Death AND
    “Actually it’s not Death AND Taxes, it’s Death, Taxes or Jail!”

  11. “No, I’m afraid we’re not big
    “No, I’m afraid we’re not big on debt forgiveness here!”

  12. “We do offer a unique ‘Social
    “We do offer a unique ‘Social Distancing’ plan, it’s in Leavenworth, Kansas!”

  13. The good news is that you
    The good news is that you have until July 15th to file your taxes. The bad news is that you’ve violated the 6-foot social distancing rule and I have to ask you to leave immediately.

  14. “I’m sorry your house has
    “I’m sorry your house has termites, but you can’t put them down as dependents.”

  15. “I’m sorry, coming from
    “I’m sorry, coming from Jupiter doesn’t qualify you to file as a resident alien.”

  16. “Don’t be afraid of being
    “Don’t be afraid of being audited, but you should be scared stiff of the coronavirus I happen to have.”

  17. “As we like to say here in
    “As we like to say here in the IRS… there’s only two things certain in life: taxes and more taxes.”

  18. We are moving the final tax
    We are moving the final tax date ahead to next week. We would hate to ‘lose’ anyone before they had an opportunity to pay us.

  19. “I had a full head of hair,
    “I had a full head of hair, too . . . before I got this
    Taxing job!”

  20. “Oh dear, this does not look
    “Oh dear, this does not look good . . .
    better tell Mom we’ll ‘both’ be late for dinner!”

  21. “Don’t worry, you’ll getting
    “Don’t worry, you’ll be getting plenty returns . . . lots of return visits from your wife to your cell block up the river.”

  22. “After checking your taxes, I
    “After checking your taxes, I highly suggest you go back to quarantine and don’t come out for a very long time.”

  23. “This audit is like a virus.
    “This audit is like a virus. It will cause you to be locked away for a very long time.”

  24. Thank you, Mr. Stein! Always
    Thank you, Mr. Stein! Always great to win! It was a taxing effort!

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Welcome to the Eli Stein Cartoon archive. To begin, read my introduction and personal notes, and then please look at the cartoons, which are categorized by either decade, publication name or topic. I’ve included some personal comments, memories and photos below many of the cartoons. I’ll be adding cartoons, memories and photos ad infinitum. Remember, your comments are appreciated (just click on the “comment” link at the bottom of each post).