Eli’s Cartoon Caption Contest No. 119

Contest No. 119 starts right now.

Briefly, here are the details: I’ll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. Simply (1) click on “Add New Comment”. Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type in your name and your caption in the spaces provided. Then (3) click “Save”.

Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission. Also, no captions at all will be posted for the first few days of each contest.  This is to give everybody a chance to submit their spontaneous, gut-instinct caption without fear of discovering that it was ripped off by somebody else’s similar spontaneous caption. This is an equal opportunity contest!

There is no limit on the number of captions you can enter for each drawing. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also print my original caption.

The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions is midnight Tuesday, June 13, 2017.

I will be the sole judge. The winning caption will be the one I judge to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption). Additional rules and regulations, for those of you who need such things, can be found here.

Below is the drawing that needs your funny captions.


  1. If this is really Eli Stein
    If this is really Eli Stein calling, then I am voting for my recent entry in your contest. No, I don’t care what you wrote many years ago!

  2. Hello revenue department. I
    Hello revenue department. I just thought I’d let you know I received the wrong papers. These ones seem to belong to some guy named Stein.

  3. Ok, but be quick. I need to
    Ok, but be quick. I need to get back to see if Garfield still hates Mondays?

  4. “Why would I want a
    “Why would I want a subscription to Fit Pregnancy magazine. What, it’s only ten cents an issue? OK, sign me up for two years.”

  5. “No, I’m not interested…I
    “No, I’m not interested…I said, I’m not interested…Stop calling me…Oh alright, I’ll put the chicken in the oven, Honey.”

  6. “Your coming back to live
    “You’re coming back to live with us? Sorry, you have the wrong number.”

  7. “I’d like to speak to a live

  8. “I can’t talk now…I just
    “I can’t talk now…I just stepped out of the shower.”

  9. “911?, I want to report a
    “911?, I want to report a robbery. A telemarketer just stole five minutes of my life.”

  10. “You put me on hold for
    “You put me on hold for twenty minutes. What…press one for English…two for Spanish?”

  11. “Honey, I told you never to
    “Honey, I told you never to call me at home…I don’t care if you’re my wife.”

  12. “Why are you breathing so
    “Why are you breathing so hard? Wait, you probably want to speak to my wife.”

  13. “You’re a telemarketer? I
    “You’re a telemarketer? I think you want to call me back when I’m eating.”

  14. “You totaled the car and your
    “You totaled the car and you’re in the hospital? I’ll be right there…what garage did they tow the car to?”

  15. Yes, I’m Harry
    Yes, I’m Harry Meismendelfalinfeffersolakofsky…but you have the wrong number.”

  16. “Son, why do you only call
    “Son, why do you only call when you need money? Actually, that does make sense.”

  17. “Harriet, this is your father
    “Harriet, this is your father. What do you mean, “What father?”…Your mother’s husband!”

  18. “You’ve got to do something
    “You’ve got to do something about your bad breath…I can smell it on the phone!”

  19. “I can’t hear you, you’re
    “I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up. Just go see a marriage counselor.”

  20. “No, I don’t want free
    “No, I don’t want free magazines or cruises…but if you have any free beer, I’m all ears!”

  21. “I’m calling on my land-line
    “I’m calling on my land-line phone, I don’t have Wi-Fi, Bluetooth or Skype, and…I don’t even know what I’m talking about!”

  22. “I’ve been waiting for the
    “I’ve been waiting for the cable guy for five hours. I’d like to check on his status. Oh, he’s married with four children and belongs to a country club. Well, that makes me feel better waiting!”

  23. “I’d like to order a pizza
    “I’d like to order a pizza with anchovies, salami, extra cheese and mushrooms, and… don’t let my wife know!”

  24. “Psychic Hot Line?…You just
    “Psychic Hot Line?…You just over billed me for $5000 dollars. Oh, you knew that already, huh?”

  25. “You’re twenty one, sexy, and
    “You’re twenty one, sexy, and filthy rich? Believe me…I’m REALLY sorry you have the wrong number!”

  26. “You only have one live
    “You only have one live representative…and she hasn’t got much time to live?!”

  27. I was just perusing your
    I was just perusing your newspaper and I would like you to know that the report of my death is premature.

  28. Is this the ‘National Do Not
    Is this the ‘National Do Not Call Registry?’…Can I add my mother’s telephone number to the list?

  29. “I’d rather you call me back
    “I’d rather you call me back when I’m eating…I can’t stand my wife’s pot roast.”

  30. I strongly object to your
    I strongly object to your premise in today’s editorial; “Getting Lucky After A Condo Board Meeting”

  31. “My parents always taught me
    “My parents always taught me to never give money to strangers over the phone”!

  32. “Sorry pal, the wife maxed
    “Sorry pal, the wife maxed out all our credit cards, can I send you cash instead”?

  33. “Yes, of course, please sign
    “Yes, of course, please sign me up for “unlimited telemarketer call’s”, day or night”!

  34. Kathy Griffin survey? OK, if
    “Kathy Griffin survey? OK, if she had driven Tiger Woods home after that White House party, they’d both still have careers and Alec Baldwin would be alive!”

  35. “OK, I’ll donate this one
    “OK, I’ll donate this one-time, but you promise you’ll never call me back again, right”?

  36. “Sure, put me down for $5
    “Sure, put me down for $5 million! I’ll pay ya next Tuesday!”

  37. Honey, the paper says someone
    Honey, the paper says someone has been arrested for public urination, do you need bail?

  38. I told you a thousand times,
    I told you a thousand times, there’s no such thing as too many polka dots.

  39. 1. “How did you get my number
    1. “How did you get my number…oh, you’re my wife.”

    2. “How long have you put me on hold? I had a full head of hair when I called!”

    3. “Fire Department, send over a cook…my wife just burnt my dinner.”

    4. “I don’t mind you putting me on hold for 30 minutes…but do you have to play ‘You light Up My Life’ the whole time?”

    5. “When can I get an appointment to see the doctor?…January, 2019 – Wow, how come so soon?”

  40. No I do not wish to subscribe
    No I do not wish to subscribe to pirates gone wild but I will take any free panflits you wish to send

  41. No thanks, I don’t want to
    No thanks, I don’t want to change long distance providers. While I have you, would you like to buy some of my kid’s girl guide cookies?

  42. 1. “Is this the maternity
    1. “Is this the maternity ward?..Do you deliver?”

    2. “Feel free to call any time you want…Just don’t call me!”

    3. “Actually, you don’t have an unlisted number. It’s listed right there on the bathroom stall at Mcnally’s Bar.”

    4. “Please leave a message at the beep…No wait, that was just a burp.”

    5. “You want me to put my wife on the phone?…She’s gonna need to lose another 100 pounds before I can do that?

  43. Is this Eli Stein calling
    Is this Eli Stein calling again? You say that you are confused about who to choose for the winner of your recent contest. Well, I practice VooDoo and sent you vibes along with my last entry, so that you would implacably place my name at the top of your list. No, you don’t have to thank me, as I am glad to mentor you in all your endeavors.

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Welcome to the Eli Stein Cartoon archive. To begin, read my introduction and personal notes, and then please look at the cartoons, which are categorized by either decade, publication name or topic. I’ve included some personal comments, memories and photos below many of the cartoons. I’ll be adding cartoons, memories and photos ad infinitum. Remember, your comments are appreciated (just click on the “comment” link at the bottom of each post).