Eli’s Cartoon Caption Contest No. 105

Contest No. 105 starts right now.

Briefly, here are the details: I’ll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. Simply (1) click on “Add New Comment”. Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type in your name and your caption in the spaces provided. Then (3) click “Save”. Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission.

There is no limit on the number of captions you can enter for each drawing. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also print my original caption.

The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions is midnight Tuesday, August 23, 2016.

I will be the sole judge. The winning caption will be the one I judge to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption). Additional rules and regulations, for those of you who need such things, can be found here.

Below is the drawing that needs your funny captions.

I’ve been trying to find old, unpublished cartoons of mine that will bring forth a greater variety of caption entries. What better way to go than to offer you a good old psychiatrist and a good old minister . . . combined! This drawing is at least 60 years old . . . I hope it inspires you all.


  1. You are the only psychiatrist
    You are the only psychiatrist I ever went to that lies on the couch while your patient writes his problems.

  2. Doctor, I understand your
    Doctor, I understand your happier lying on the couch. I’m here because I’m insane, but tell me your problems.

  3. ” . . It’s just that I’m
    ” . . It’s just that I’m starting to doubt whether talking to people about their problems really works.”

  4. “It’s existential . . .I’m
    “It’s existential . . .I’m not sure if I still believe in Freud.”

  5. I think I’m in the wrong
    I think I’m in the wrong profession – I’m tired of hearing about other people’s problems.

  6. Hail Mary’s just aren’t
    Hail Mary’s just aren’t cutting it for me anymore. How about some Prozac?

  7. Doctor, I keep preaching
    Doctor, I keep preaching eternal damnation and reincarnation, and now I turn up here.

  8. I keep having this
    I keep having this reoccurring nightmare where I live in this colorless, two dimensional world.

  9. “No matter what anybody tells
    “No matter what anybody tells me, I cannot stop wanting to vote for Donald Trump.”

  10. I keep having this
    I keep having this reoccurring dream, me and the “Church-Lady” are in a hot-tub!

  11. I keep having this nightmare
    I keep having this nightmare where no matter who wins the election we all go to hell!

  12. So a nun, a priest, a rabbi
    So a nun, a priest, a rabbi and a duck walk in to a bar and the bartender says, “what happened to the pig”?

  13. “Really…I swear…the snake
    “Really…I swear…the snake DID talk! I’m NOT crazy. Oh, And there’s this burning bush that speaks too!”

  14. “I read ‘Golfers World’ when
    “I read ‘Golfers World’ when people tell me their confessions.

  15. “I’m still getting these
    “I’m still getting these enormous migraines…and don’t tell me again it’s because of my tight collar.

  16. “Tell me honestly, that was
    “Tell me honestly, that was you in the confessional telling me you nap while your patients are talking.”

  17. “I’m paying you $200 an hour
    “I’m paying you $200 an hour to talk to you about my sex life…and I don’t have one!”

  18. “We both have in common that
    “We both have in common that we really don’t listen to people when they confess to us, but you get paid $200 for that.

  19. “I’m stealing from the church
    “I’m stealing from the church plate to pay for these sessions.”

  20. “You don’t have to keep
    “You don’t have to keep saying, ‘Our time is up.’ I know, Trump’s going to be our president.”

  21. “Who came up with this idea
    “Who came up with this idea of lying down? It’s a lot better than confessing on your knees in a tiny box.”

  22. “Business must be bad for you
    “Business must be bad for you too. People just aren’t feeling guilty anymore.”

  23. “Doc, can’t you tell me
    “Doc, can’t you tell me some things your patients tell you? I’m running out of material for my sermons.”

  24. “I think I’d feel more
    “I think I’d feel more comfortable if we change places and you do all the confessing.”

  25. “Me depression is getting
    “My depression is getting worse. All I want to do in my church is play bingo.”

  26. “Do you have any idea how
    “Do you have any idea how depressing it is to hear people confess their sins to you all day…and not get paid $100 an hour for it?”

  27. You want to know what my
    You want to know what my problem is? Hillary admitted to me during confession that she lied, and I can’t tell anyone.

  28. I don’t know why I’m here.
    I don’t know why I’m here. The bottom of your psychiatry diploma says “Gift from Popcorn Co.”

  29. “I’m becoming paranoid. Every
    “I’m becoming paranoid. Every time someone calls me Father, I think I forgot something terrible I did in the past.”

  30. “I’d prefer if you wouldn’t
    “I’d prefer if you wouldn’t come to my confessional box after every one of my sessions, and confess you didn’t listen to a word I said.”

  31. “You’re good at what you do
    “You’re good at what you do doc, but you do realize you’re going to hell for charging $200 an hour!”

  32. “Sometimes I get depressed
    “Sometimes I get depressed because I don’t believe there are 70 virgins waiting for me when I get to heaven.”

  33. “Doctor,doctor,help me…I
    “Doctor, doctor, help me…I asked someone at the hospital where the cafeteria is…they told me to take the elevator down and go to “L”!!!!”

  34. And Cush begat Nimrod…and
    And Cush begat Nimrod…and Arphaxad begat Shelah…and Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah…

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Welcome to the Eli Stein Cartoon archive. To begin, read my introduction and personal notes, and then please look at the cartoons, which are categorized by either decade, publication name or topic. I’ve included some personal comments, memories and photos below many of the cartoons. I’ll be adding cartoons, memories and photos ad infinitum. Remember, your comments are appreciated (just click on the “comment” link at the bottom of each post).