Eli’s Cartoon Caption Contest No. 96

Contest No. 96 starts right now.

Briefly, here are the details: I’ll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. Simply (1) click on “Add New Comment”. Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type in your name and your caption in the spaces provided. Then (3) click “Save”. Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission.

There is no limit on the number of captions you can enter for each drawing. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also print my original caption.

The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions for this contest is midnight Tuesday, February 9, 2016.

I will be the sole judge. The winning caption will be the one I judge to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption). Additional rules and regulations, for those of you who need such things, can be found here.

Below is the drawing that needs your caption.


  1. “He says he’s here to audit
    “He says he’s here to audit my taxes, and then he’s got some other certain thing to do.”

  2. “How about never, does never
    “How about never, does never work for you?”

    “Sharon, could you call in the attorneys for a few questions? Thanks.”

    “Sharon, tell HR the VP of Marketing position has been filled.”

  3. Yes, now that I think about
    Yes, now that I think about it . . . I DO believe he voted for Donald Trump .

  4. “Miss Higgins, come to the
    “Miss Higgins, come to the front desk immediately. Someone here is very anxious to meet you.

  5. “I’ve got the elevator
    “I’ve got the elevator repairman here. He says the elevator will only be running down for awhile.”

  6. “Helen, I thought I told you
    “Helen, I thought I told you to cancel my appointment to meet my make.”

    “The dead stops here.”

  7. “I’m meeting with the CEO of
    “I’m meeting with the CEO of Marlboro right now.”

    “He says he’s not a lawyer but a lot of them are his neighbors.”

  8. Do you Skype, Max?
    Do you Skype, Max?

    Get me our best arbiter, Joan.

    Well I’ll be damned.

    It says here, “subject to change.”

    Martha, why’d you let him in?! Martha?…Martha?

  9. “Helen, I thought I told you
    “Helen, I thought I told you to cancel my appointment to meet my maker.”

    “Cancel all my appointments. I’ll be stepping out…the window.”

    “My partner sent you, didn’t he?”

    “You have a great resume but we’re not dying right now.”

    “How many extra years can a key to the executive bathroom buy me.?”

    “I’m not going anywhere until I speak to your boss.”

    “Tell my secretary to make an appointment with me in, oh say, 30 years.”

    “I’m not going anywhere with you unless you book me first class.

    “I thought you said he was deaf.”

    “Look, your a great efficiency expert, but can’t we just fire unnecessary staff.”

    “I don’t care what he says. I’m taking my money with me.”

    “You’re lucky. We have an opening for a ghost writer.

    “Rose, I’ll be leaving a little early today.”

  10. Miss Moneypenny, please send
    Miss Moneypenny, please send the following memo to my boss: you’re a moron and your wife is fat.

  11. Mom..Send the pastor to my
    Mom . . . send the pastor to my office immediately
    and ask him to bring my records with him.

  12. .I have a fellow in my office
    I have a fellow in my office that needs to be directed
    to the television commercial studio.

  13. You’re my worst secretary. I
    You’re my worst secretary. I asked you to get me a box of Betty Crocker Devil Cake Mix, not the DEVIL!!!

  14. Joe, take this guy to our
    Joe, take this guy to our other office where we are having a klu Klux Klan meeting.

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Welcome to the Eli Stein Cartoon archive. To begin, read my introduction and personal notes, and then please look at the cartoons, which are categorized by either decade, publication name or topic. I’ve included some personal comments, memories and photos below many of the cartoons. I’ll be adding cartoons, memories and photos ad infinitum. Remember, your comments are appreciated (just click on the “comment” link at the bottom of each post).