“I’m sorry, madam, you’ve misread our terms — it’s guaranteed  for 99 days, not years.”

(by Ken Wilkinson)

My original caption: “It seems to me that this item has reached the point of no return.”

Congratulations on your sixth victory, Ken Wilkinson! Your first win was in Contest No. 118, back in 2017 (Wow! This contest has been going on for ages, hasn’t it?) Be that as it may, you can once again rest assured that you are currently one of the funniest people in the whole world (Mr. Wilkinson’s captions come all the way from the mother country, the United Kingdom).

Here are the other captions that I was seriously considering:

“I’m sure this worked in 1942 when you first purchased it.” (by Michael Lomazow)

“The use of hot water in this coffee/tea pot voids the warranty.” (by Lee Lacewell)

“That’s not a dash, it’s a minus sign. You may return this item but we have to subtract your refund.” (by Joe Ayella)

“That sign isn’t big enough for our third ‘R’: Restocking Fee.” (also by Joe Ayella)

“I’m sorry, but if you break it, you take it.” (by Diane Weisman)

“May I ask why it’s filled with ashes, madam?” (by Pat Foley)

“Please let me know if the next one you purchase is any better.” (by Scott Malcolm)

“I’m afraid, madam, no amount of rubbing will help — the Genie has retired.” (also by Ken Wilkinson)

Look for Contest No. 218 in just a little over a fortnight, Captioneers, and thanks for participating.

Contest No. 217 starts right now.

Here are the details: I’ll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. To enter, simply (1) click on “See Comments and Add Your Own”. Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type your name and your caption in the spaces provided. Then (3) click “Save”. There is no charge to submit captions, and the only prize is the honor of being one of the funniest people around.

Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission. However, no captions at all will be posted for the first few days of each contest. This will give everybody a chance to submit their spontaneous, gut-instinct caption without fear of discovering that it was ripped off by somebody else’s similar spontaneous, gut-instinct caption. Every posted caption has a notation as to the date and time it was received. This is an equal opportunity contest!

There is no limit on the number of captions you may enter for each drawing, but I will only post and consider the first 15 captions from any contestant. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also reveal my original caption. I am the sole judge and the winning caption will be the one I deem to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption).

The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions is midnight Wednesday, September 25, 2024.

Below is the drawing that needs your funny captions. This is another very old drawing of mine, probably going back more than 60 years. One way you can tell its age is by noticing that I finished it off mostly by using a brush, instead of a pen. I hope you can improve on my old original caption, which you will be able to see in a week’s time. Good luck, Captioneers!

“It’s been tough, but at least I’ll get to return to my job at Blockbuster when I get out!”

(by abstract)

My original caption: “It was a clear case of police entrapment. The good cop was actually bad and the bad cop was actually good.”

Congratulations, abstract, on this, your first victory! You are now in that exclusive club of Captioneers who have earned the title of “one of the funniest people around”. Shout it from the rooftops and enjoy the (abstract) limelight!

Here are the other captions that were under serious consideration:

“So you see, it’s all about just being in the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong people when you’re recorded on a camera.” (by Brendan F Gannon)

“We’re having a Hats Off at 7:00 — be there.” (by Rich Wolf)

“I’m studying law in here but it’s going to take a while. So in the meantime, why don’t you study excavation?” (by Joe Ayella)

“Yes I absolutely know where I see myself in 10 years!” (by Lee Lacewell)

“What do you want to do today, what do you want to do today, what do you want to do today?” (by Diane Weisman)

“I got thirty years for littering. My wife was the judge.” (by Ken Wilkinson)

“I’m going to be on the TV show, The Bachelor. Apparently, they are taking the show in a different direction.” (by Michael Lomazow)

“Think about it this way, we can dig out tonight or stick around for Pizza Friday.” (by Jennifer Lawson)

Contest No. 217 will be posted in just a few weeks. Thanks for participating, Captioneers!

Contest No. 216 starts right now.

Here are the details: I’ll supply a drawing of one of my old cartoons that has never been published, leaving off my caption. You are invited to supply your funniest captions. To enter, simply (1) click on “See Comments and Add Your Own”. Then (2) scroll down past any other submitted captions and type in your name and your caption in the spaces provided. Then (3) click “Save”. There is no charge to submit captions, and the only prize is the honor of being one of the funniest people around.

Your caption (or captions) will be posted after I review your submission. However, no captions at all will be posted for the first few days of each contest. This will give everybody a chance to submit their spontaneous, gut-instinct caption without fear of discovering that it was ripped off by somebody else’s similar spontaneous, gut-instinct caption. Every posted caption has a notation as to the date and time it was received. This is an equal opportunity contest!

There is no limit on the number of captions you may enter for each drawing, but I will only post and consider the first 15 captions from any contestant. Entries will be accepted and posted for one week, after which a winner will be announced and the winning caption will be printed. Below that I will also reveal my original caption. I am the sole judge and the winning caption will be the one I deem to be the funniest one submitted (not necessarily the one that matches or comes closest to my original caption).

The cut-off time and date for you to send in your captions is midnight Wednesday, August 28, 2024.

Below is the drawing that needs your funny captions. Good luck, Captioneers!

“My boy, our generous benefits package includes free housing and meals for the first 18 years.”

(by Joe Ayella)

My original caption: “Cute. Where’s his resume?”

Congratulations, Joe Ayella, on your second victory. Since you just won Contest No. 214, that makes two victories in a row. Are you trying for an Olympic Gold Medal here? Only time will tell. Anyway, you are once again one of the funniest people around and you have earned the right to shout it to the world.

Here are the other captions that were in serious contention:

“Let’s maximize your potential!” (by Kelly)

“I say he’s a keeper — let’s skip the probationary period altogether.” (also by Joe Ayella)

“You’re hired!” (by Rich Wolf)

“Where do you see yourself ten years from now?” (by Lee Lacewell)

“It won’t be long before she is telling me the courses I need and the experience required to be a better father.” (by Scott Malcolm)

“Sleeping on the job already? Not a problem.” (also by Joe Ayella)

“I’m a bit concerned that you only have nine months of verifiable previous existence!” (also by Lee Lacewell)

“He can have parking spot #6.” (by Michael Lomazow)

“Yours was a difficult and painful delivery but I think I’ll pull through.” (by Simon Healeas)  No connection here to the “PERSONNEL MANAGER” banner, Simon, but the caption brought a smile to my face.

Contest No. 216 will be posted in a little more than a fortnight, Captioneers, so keep your pen, paper and computer handy. Thanks for participating!